You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
