Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
