why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
