We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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