here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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