Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
