I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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