my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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