I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
