Your mouth is God's brothel.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
