FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
