Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
