I heard we made out
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
