and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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