Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
