I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
