I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
i out mim tonsoeep
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
