I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Randomize
