im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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