I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
