just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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