i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
