3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
