Please don't use social media to get back at me.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
We need to get me chipped asap
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