I want to walk on stilts...naked
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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