I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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