I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
