My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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