Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
