the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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