I skipped work to stalk him.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
