Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I cut my penus on the lid.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
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