My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”