We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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