so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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