making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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