obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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