Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
