P.S. I can't hear my feet
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
