Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
