It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
