when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
