Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
