someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
