Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
this just has baby written all over it
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
