I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
