She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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