Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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