Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Well I just put wine in my tea
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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