omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I'm just crazy horny about you
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
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