Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
