he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
There's a naked man in my car right now.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
