Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
My balls are so social today.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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