you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
