everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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