dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
