Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i would one night stand the shit outta him
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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